Big & Healthy Oatmeal Pancakes
Day 1: Monday, April 7th 2014.
Excited to see the little changes…. Not that I really need to get any smaller (I know I am pretty small)… but I’m hoping my changes will help with the bloated feeling/appearance. Obv my body retains the junk that I binge on… so cleansing myself of that will be nice :)
Doing a 180.
After a weekend of pure self-loathing, hatred and insanity… I have decided I can no longer live so negatively. My eating disorder is taking over my entire life. It consumes me and ruins my relationships… Mom and I argued on Friday, but the basis of that argument was rooted in my ED (knowingly, or unknowingly to us at the time). I spend so many hours “body checking.” pinching myself, staring at my reflection, sitting on the floor crying over what I ate… when that time could be better spent doing homework, preparing for England, or doing a bajillion other things that are actually important and that matter. Instead, by wasting all this time, I just create more stress for myself as I fall further behind schedule… So in a nut shell, mom was talking about England and booking flights, and how I should contact this person to ask this, etc… and I snapped. I felt so overwhelmed & thought she was adding to my plate… but she wasn’t. It’s just that I spend unnecessary time obsessing over something that doesn’t even fucking matter. I called Mom on Saturday and we sorted it out. It ended in me confessing that ana has taken over again…. and instead of getting mad, she sent a lot of positive vibes my way which was really needed. She reminded me that life isn’t always about looks and that I don’t want to end up like my mother… she reminded me that I should just focus on eating healthy, moving around and continuing my walks (I walk everyday) and that my body will take care of itself… I couldn’t help but laugh when she told me that I need to find people who love me for ME and anyone else can go fuck off LOL <3 we argue from time to time but I sure as hell don’t know where I would be without her…
Anyways, all of that being said. I’m flipping my life around, or at least trying to. I have already made some changes, but you need to make ALL the right changes in order to be happy and positive (at least when you have and ED that’s how it needs to be done)… So as I said in a previous post, I have stopped weighing myself daily and it is such a freedom. If I look in the mirror and feel good, I don’t need to step on a scale and come crashing down from that high… I just want to feel fit and happy… and as of late I have not been feeling it.
Currently, I count every calorie, (used to) weigh myself every morning, body check every time I see a mirror, binge obsessively on unhealthy foods, walk and exercise frequently, all while maintaining a negative frame of mind. *Note: MFP is set to 1,200 cals a day, but what with the binge-fests lately, I always go over…
I hate admitting this part… but I have gained weight. Not terribly so, and not in a place that I am entirely scared to be at. Remember last summer? I weighed anywhere between 123-125. Well, I now weigh 123.8. Which is a scary place to be, yes, but not a bad one. If I was able to get down to 117, 119 (around that range) before, I can do it again. And that’s why I have decided to start a new “diet.” Which isn’t so much a diet as it is a reformation of the way I eat and think about food… I just love how I can justify eating 700 calories of mini eggs (on a bad binge) when that could be better spent on a REAL meal that’s healthy and much more beneficial/filling. And after the binge, I would starve myself for the remainder of the day AND beat myself up…. it’s such a sick, viscous cycle…
With that being said, I want to make healthy choices and healthy changes… I don’t want to fear food anymore. I don’t want to binge anymore. The problem is that restricting myself from something for so long leads me to go overboard when I do get my hands on something I crave. I need to learn some self-discipline and control again… I can do this.. I know I can. And I bet I will feel 200% better physically, emotionally and mentally by making these changes… I mean, there are habits I never kicked to the curb (i.e. I have had fast food as in mcdonalds, wendys, etc. maybe twice TOPS in the span of the past 2.5 ish years?)… when I cut things out of my diet back in 2012, some things stayed out! And I guess I have to remind myself that it’s pretty impressive to have kept 40 lbs off in the 2.5 year window… lots of people put it back on or can’t maintain.
Well this got super long. LOL… so now I want to blog my new journey because, well, why not! I love blogging. And I think I could use some more positive feels on here.