That awkward moment when people finally notice at work…

"Do you ever eat lunch?"

Awkward….

I BROUGHT SALAD !!!!

Thinking time.

Alright.  I have done some thinking… I know what my problem is, and now I just need to address it.  It’s like what I teach my kids everyday, how can you improve when I tell you what you are doing wrong yet you DON’T correct the errors? 

I don’t take proper care of myself.

There… I said it.  I know I don’t.  But if I made more of an effort in that department… maybe I would be better all around.  

The reason I binge eat on bad food all day is because I never bring my own food to school to 1. fill me up on and 2. draw me away from all the junk in the office.  I have this mentality everyday that I can starve myself again, like I used to, so I don’t bring food in…. THEN, as the day progresses, obviously I get hungry because I am a human being - surprise - and the only thing for me to eat, really, are the chocolate cookies and cakes lying around the office…. MEANWHILE, had I brought an apple and salad or healthy lunch item, I would want to eat that instead… I would be filling my body with healthy calories and nutrition… and it would make life grand!  I would consume LESS calories that way… I don’t get why I can’t think that way….

I’m currently eating BareNaked Noodles.  They were featured on Dragon’s Den and I found them in my health food store :) they are super yum!  

SO here’s to trying to fuel my body with good foods… because ultimately THAT will help me shed the extra weight I put on because of all the junk… truth be told, I lost some weight when I ate a HEALTHY 1,200 cals a day back in January! So here’s to that…

xx

Fuck off Ana I fucking hate you, you bitch. 

Fuck off Ana I fucking hate you, you bitch. 

There is nothing more…

There is nothing more I want right now, than to turn the tap on, allow the water to fill my tub and drown… until my pathetic fat excuse of a human body ceases to make me feel like a worthless waste of breathing space.  Why is the voice so loud.  Why am I so fat.  Why can’t I stop and go back to starving? I did it once.  I’ve read 115 on the scale before.  Why does my greedy, disgusting body need to binge all the damn time.  Why can’t I look at sweets and say no?  I can’t believe this, I re-downloaded myfitnesspal and it really was working all day, helping me keep track and then I have a binge fest because it’s late at night and I’m stress eating.  Say no you fucking disgusting pig.  JUST SAY FUCKING NO.  Don’t put it in your mouth.  If I could throw up right now I would.  But I can’t  I have to sit here and accept all the calories I just ate and kiss goodbye the 1. whatever pounds I lost.  I absolutely despise everything I am. Fuck off fat.  UGH.